The highlight of this particular performance for me was at 47:47 when Brandi and I made the rock face at each other:

Also, last spring, I played Austin City Limits with Brandi Carlile.  This episode will be aired November 13 on your local PBS station.  Here's the link to their website.

If anyone could put this stuff up on youtube when it comes out I'd be much obliged, so that I can embed it on my site here.  

Much more exciting news is forthcoming, including an upcoming tour with Elizabeth and the Catapult, so stay tuned!

                                                   

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please make yourself at home here at my website.  I'm here to set your mind and body at ease.  Just, sit back, relax, and click away.  I have a new tune under the "tunes" tab, with more to come.  I also have rewritten my bio and I'll be putting up information about shows that I'm playing, both by myself and with other people.  I love you.

AUSTRIA!!!!(cue "sound of music" theme)

(needle scratching off of record)Whoa whoa whoa...Hold up just a minute. What the shit? Let's see that last picture again:

What in God's name is that!!?? Is this where HR Pufnstuf and Austin Powers conceived their illicit love child?

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

First, we arrived in Linz. It was rainy and nasty out, but of course we managed to find a nice place to eat.

That was a good beer. And this was a crazy woman:

She started making lots of noise and got kicked out. You keep on partying, grandma! (That's Gert's left ear in the foreground)

Dinner was quite delicious. And for dessert, what else:

A Linzer Torte!

When in Linz...

...right? Yummy!

Just to give you an idea of how nicely we were treated all over Europe, here's our backstage spread in Linz:

That looks pretty good, eh?  But wait, where's the lunch meat?

"I don't know where your lunch meat is, but here's all mine!  And I ain't giving you any of it...BITCH!!!"

Our venue was called the Altes Posthof, which means "Old Post Station"  (I now think I'm gonna open up a venue called "Old McDonald's")

Aren't those some peaceful cushions to plant your fat hippie ass in?

True story: after the gig, we were out chatting with our lovely audience, and some cute girls came to get their picture made with us.  So I ask, "Hey, is there anything fun to do  in Linz on thursday night?"  To which they reply, "Yes." (one mississippi, two mississippi) "Okay we have to go...Good bye!"

So there are fun things to do in Linz, but you aren't going to tell me what/where they are.  SIGH.

The following day, we arrived in Vienna! (Insert your own lame "Oh, Vienna's in Vienna" joke here)  Wow.  What a beautiful city!  I want to live here.

After checking into our hotel, we took a nice little walk.  The first thing we saw was the Rathaus,

which means Rat House.  Thems must be some big ol' rats who live there.  They could put a hurtin on the NYC subway rats!

Then we happened upon an open air market

My German is both rusty and nearly non-existant, but I'm guessing that the sign says, "Old Vienna East Market".....or maybe Easter market:

The kids love Easter over here.  I don't know what they do for Christmas, but I can't imagine it's bigger than Easter.

At the market, I got some hot chocolate!

Yum Yum, gimme some:

Okay, so she's basically just mashing a chocolate bar in hot milk.  How's it taste?

Not too bad.  It tastes better when my pinky's stuck out like that.  What's Alex doing?

Ready for some cuteness?

"LOOK AT DA BUNNEEEEEZZZZZZZ!!!!"

While I was snapping this photo, I was saying how the bunny in the lower right corner was fat.  There were some Austiran folks standing beside me who took offense to/issue with what I was saying: "Oh zat bunny ist nein fatten" or some such nonsense, but look here:

1. It's a damn bunny.  And we all know from nursery rhymes that bunnies have no feelings.

2. It's a German speaking bunny, so even if it should understand human speech, and suddenly develop human feelings that might be hurt regarding my comments about it's weight, there's no way would it understand english.

3. It's kind of fat, right?  I mean it's flippin huge, right?  That's one fat ass bunny.....right!!!!???

Anyhow, we wandered over to St. Stephen's Cathedral and got some religion.

Can I get an Amen?  I was actually here in 1992, the very first time I ever came to Europe.  We were only in Vienna for an afternoon, and I just happened to bump into Jenny Goodrum, a high school classmate, right in front of the cathedral.  True story.  Where are you now, Jenny?  I miss you, Jennay!

We then marched right over to Mozart's apartment.

Mozart wasn't there.  Cause he's dead.  But I think he possessed all of us, cause we had the best show of the european tour here in Vienna.

While walking past St. Stephen's again, we saw the most inventive panhandlers/buskers ever:

Ain't that sweet, they just wanna hug us!

Huggies!

Listen, man, you're holding the "free hugs" sign, so you'd better put your homophobia aside and hug a dude, okay?

Did I say they were the most inventive panhandler/buskers ever?  I'm sorry, I meant that these guys were:

They were doing the Electric Boogaloo to classical music.  Breakdance meets Ballet.  It was quite beautiful.  I gave them 20 euro cents, which equals $100.

We got a little lost on the way back to the hotel.  So we jumped in a cab and met Gert:

Who had gotten trapped inside a computer screen, a la Max Headroom. (For you younguns who don't know who he was, educate yourself)  We saved him from the clutches of the Master Control Program (another obscure '80s reference to TRON, which I saw in the fucking theater and which led me to become a ninja at throwing frisbees with my friend, Mike Winger. Damn, I'm old!) and headed to Porgy and Bess, our venue for the evening:

That's right, Wong is pumped up cause he knows we're going to have a great gig tonight.  And do you want to know why?  Because, while we're onstage, Mozart is going to infiltrate our brains!!  From beyond the grave.  Seriously.  Check it out:

"Wow, I feel kind of funny, like an 18th century master composer is boring his way through my skull"

"Oh my God, Ward, I feel the same thing!  Now I have ultimate rocking powers!!  LET'S ROCK!! How's Vienna doing?"

"WHATEVER YOU WANT, WHATEVER YOU WANT WHATEVERYOUWANTISFINEBYMEEEEEEE....come on boys, catch up!!  The Mozart boreworm infected my brain 5 minutes ago and I'm leaving you in the dust!"

We rocked...so hard.  Much thanks to Miriam, who took the pictures of us performing.

That's Miriam in the middle, and Kathy (Katarina) on the left.  They took a picture with me, too:

"Ward smells funny!"

This was in the lobby of our hotel, after gig, and before we went out on the town to have a party.  See, when we asked Miriam and Katarina if there were fun things to do in Vienna, they said, "Yes-Please let us show you our fun city"  And so they did:

We had a lovely drink at the Museum Bar, which was actually located in a museum.  Them Austrians are so damn cultured!   Kathy's cousin, Florian, and his wife, Maria, joined us for the festivities.

After a drink or two (or 3, or 7 or akl;dfsj890v[23u) we were getting a little hungry.  Gert had told us about the Kasewurst, sausages with cheese.  So we were on a mission.  We walked underground to find this delicacy.

German quiz: what does this mean?  National debt?  Help me out!  

OOH, that scotch is running through me like a bat out of hell.  Have to pee, really soon.  But, for some reason, I also really want to listen to some Puccini, or Verdi or something.  Hmmm, what to do what to do?

Thank God, The opera toilet!  Perfect!  I've always wanted to take a dump while belting out "Se Vuol Ballare" from Le Nozze di Figaro!  Let's celebrate by reenacting Steve O's choreography from "Dancing with the Stars"

What a twirl! But it looks like Alex and Vienna are ready to take us down:

They mean serious business!  Hey, why don't we take a promo band shot for our next tour?

I'm writing to Obama to make sure he knows that we need Opera Toilets here in the US and A.

Aaah, at last we find the Kasewurst place!

"Bitte ein kase wurst."

"VIELEN DONKEY!!!!!"

Wow.  That is terrifying.

For some reason, we decided to go to two different sausage places and do a taste test.

Alex got his wurst here.  Looks a little classier than my state fair looking place, right?  But you know, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.  His place may have looked cooler on the outside, but is the wurst really better?

Yes. It is.  Mine tastes like a 7 Eleven Cheeseburger dog compared to his.  Dammit.  Oh well, we're all friends here, and we're enjoying some Budweisers.  Not Anheiser Busch ones, the original ones from the Czech republic.

Well, it's been a long, very fun, rewarding day in Vienna.  But it's time to go to sleep.  We hail a cab, and the driver informs us that we can't have open beers while he's driving.  So we slam them.  Well done, folks!   Let's do an imitation of the Beastie Boys before we go to bed:

Nighty Nite, Yo!

Oh I don't wanna leave Vienna!  But wait, we're going to St. Veit?  Where the hell's that?  Oh, that's the place with the acid flashback hotel!

Trippy!

Let's check out the rad lobby:

Psychedelic, man!

Check out some of the lovely art:

Mmm hmm, very nice

Okay, a tree, a mermaid with a great rack?

Holy hell, this looks like something from Starship Troopers, who is responsible for all of this?

Ah, the Professor Ernst Fuchs.  We all know about my German skills, but I'm going to try to translate:

"This is an art gallery and hotel.  It's two things in one.  This hotel was designed by Ernst Fuchs, who is the emperor of the Fuchspalace.  Bow down, knave!

Ernst Fuchs was born in 1930 on the planet Zoltan.  He was teleported here through a wormhole to share his magical vision of gumdrops, boobies, and creatures from his home planet.  He studied art at the Art Academy in Vienna, but was expelled when he tried to probe his instructors in the boogiehole.

Here are a few more highlights from Ernst Fuchs's amazing life:

1972-Ernst Fuchs eats three sheets of LSD mixed with a lovely balsamic vinaigrette over a mixed green salad with psychedelic mushrooms, thus starting a trip lasting for over 37 years and counting.

1988-For the 100th birthday of Wilo Wagner, Fuchs jumps off of a hotel balcony screaming, "Ich Bin Ein Gelden Gott!!!!" into a pool of nutella.  Gets the preliminary idea for the Fuchpalaz in St. Veit.

1998-Celebrates the 10th anniversary of the "Nutella Plunge" by building a hotel in a quaint Austrian village using nothing but an easy bake oven and red white and blue frosting.

2007-Fuchs is seen wandering naked through the Austrian alps singing "Inagaddadavida" and biting the heads off of baby squirrels

Okay!

That's all well and good, but what do the rooms look like?

Well, I think you know what time it is:

After checking in, turning on and dropping out, we went to the venue:

This was the old Rathaus (City Hall).  Or maybe it's still the Rathaus, I don't know.  In any case, it was really beautiful.  Check the interior:

There's something really amazing about playing a concert in such a gorgeous setting.  

In the dressing room, there was some art displayed from some of the students in town:

A regular budding Ernst Fuchs, methinks.  Let's go for a walk!

Our pal, Andres, took us to the castle,

which was owned by Astrid, the baroness who put on the concert.  This was built in the 11th century.  Yes folks, that's around 1000 years ago!  Let's check it out:

That's Andres, with Alex and Vienna.  He's an amazing sculptor who displays his work here.

"But we've got the biggest balls of them all," sang Vienna quietly to herself.

Let's go inside, what do you say?

What a cool place.  After this we did soundcheck, and Astrid took us to a wonderful dinner.  We then proceeded to rock St. Veit's collective face off.  And then....we got drunk.  I was having too much fun to take lots of pictures, but check out Alex's 11:11 blog for a more detailed account of the evening.  Many many many thanks to Astrid, Andres, Michael, Nici, and all the St. Veiters for showing us a wonderful time!

And then, finally, we went to lovely Innsbruck.

Oh Austria, you were so good to us. And I love how un-PC you are:

Whew!  That blog took a lot out of me!  Sorry it took so long; it feels like I delivered a pair of 50lb twins!  I think I'm going to join twitter and just do short and sweet for a while, maybe.  Before I go, though, I want to thank you for reading, and encourage you to check back regularly, because I have 2 goals for the summer:

1. To give my website a long overdue overhaul.  This blog is hopefully just a little taste of fun stuff that's going to be happening here.  I'm planning on working with my homie Matt to redesign the site to make it more fun and user friendly (and probably relaunch it as wardwilliams.com).  I want to continue blogging and putting up silly pictures/videos/songs and whatnot, which brings me to goal #2:

2. To begin the highly anticipated follow up to my self titled record: "Ward Williams".  Working title: WW II.  My plan is to make a more stripped down record, partly because I think it'll sound cool and partly because I want to do it even more on my own and I don't know a lot about producing and stuff yet.  But I have hopes that it will be even better than the first one.  So keep coming back here and you can see what I'm up to in some way shape or form.  So give me some comments/feedback love.  And remember, I love you all tremendously!

She's on the left; her friend Jenny is on the right.  They helped us sell CDs in Mainz.

Then we went to a Cuban Cocktail Bar:

I got a Margarita. Yum!  and then a Sidecar.....weeeeeeellll, let's just say I'll not be ordering any more sidecars in Germany.

Mainz had a special power: it made all of us want to impersonate inanimate objects:

Vienna and Alex reenact a wedding stock photo

I imitate Friederich Schiller writing the lyrics to Beethoven's 9th Symphony

This was in Schillerplatz.  What a coincidence, right?!  Someone just happened to put a statue of Schiller in Schillerplatz.  Total synchronicity!

We played in the Frankfurter Hof.  I can't quite remember the first time I came to Europe, because it was the summer after my sophomore year in college, back in nineteen sumpn sumpn. But I kind of think that the NCSA International Music Program Orchestra played here as well.  Or maybe I just did chamber music here.  (Any 1992 IMP alumni out there who remember?) Either way, I think I may have been to Mainz before.  But I sure as hell didn't meet any Wiebkes.

Before we left, I wandered around the town.  And I actually bumped into Wiebke and Jenny again!  But my dumb ass didn't take a picture, so you'll just have to take my word for it.  I did take some other pictures of the town, though:

Does anyone know what kind of trees these are?

I've seen them around Germany a lot.  Never in the U, S and A. I'll try to get some better shots of them

After a nice stroll in Mainz, we drove to Mannheim.  Here's where we performed:

Der Altes Feuerwache-which means old Firestation.  Old Factory, Old Pawnshop, Old Firestation.  I'm sensing a pattern...

Five Points Music Hall in Birmingham, AL (RIP) could have been called "Altes Piggly Wiggly"

Guess who worked at Altes Feuerwache: THAT'S RIGHT: WIEBKE #2, THAT'S WHO!!!

I asked both Wiebkes if "Wiebke" was a common name in Germany.

"Nein, " they both replied. "Nicht really"

Oh, kind of like Ward in the states.  Interesting.  So people probably screw up your names all the time.  Like for me, 75% of people who first meet me will, at some point in time, call me "Wade".  So, what do people call the Wiebkes after first meeting them? Time for an SAT question:

Ward::Wade as Wiebke::

A. Vodka

B. Wonka

C. Bupkis

D. Wade

All you Wiebkes out there, get back to me and we'll set the record straight!  We're Ward and Wiebke, not Wade and Wonka (or whatever the equivalent of "Wade" is for the Wiebkes)!  Get it straight, people!

Between Mannheim and Munich, we ran into some SNOW!!!

These were taken at the best gas/rest station ever.  Check this out:

Hell Yeah!!

Damn right that's a Jack and Coke....in a can!!!!!  I'll just have one for the road, Fraulein. Vielen Dank!

After waking up from a Jack Daniel's infused nap, I arrived at the club in Munich:

Jazz Club Unterfahrt!  Heh heh, he said Fart!

I was greeted by the soundtech, Robert: 

...in a typical Munich fashion: He gingerly cupped my nutsack. Guten Tag to you, Herr Robert!

This was on the wall near our dressing room.  Great band name.

We had a delicious dinner upstairs next door.  And they also brewed their own wheat beer:

with these:

(hops)

Delicious.  

We destroyed Munich with the power of our rock.  The following morning, I took a stroll in the cold and snow and took some pictures of the city:

The first picture is of the Neues Rathaus (which means New City Hall{I guess the old City Hall is now a rock club}). The rest are from the Munich Residence:

Yeah, gettin yer learn on in the World According to Ward!

Before I go, I'd like to show y'all an email I got from Thomas, the Dutch guy who saw us in Amsterdam and Gronigen:

Hey Ward,

 

How are you? Did you have a nice everning in Amsterdam?

 

I've been very busy, but I finally have some time to write you something about the New York trip.

 

Last year I bought tickets for a music festival in the summer. Then I saw on their website that people who already bought tickets could win a trip to New York. I never won something but I tried it. A few months later there was an email from the organisation. At first I thought it was some annoying spam. But they told me that I won the trip to NY! Which was pretty unbelievable. Then I saw my name on the website and got some information from them.

 

It was a four day trip to NY. Never been out of Europe, so I was pretty excited. Me and my girlfriend stayed in the Soho Grand, a very good and expensive hotel. Been to Time Square, Central Park, Top of The Rock, Statue of Liberty, some cd stores and of course we wanted to see a concert in NY. We are both addicted to music and going to live gigs. I heard from a friend that there are many small clubs where you can see singer songwriter concerts, so we just went to the Knitting Factory, which was also near our hotel.

 

That was the place where we saw a really nice concert of Christina Cone and some funny dude, making jokes all the time. Ward Williams. That was in october. A couple of months later Vienna Teng (one of my favourite artists) announced their European tour and I bought tickets for the dutch shows. In the city full of bikes, Groningen, I saw a new member of the band which seemed very familiar. After the show I asked him if he ever played in New York with Christina Cone. And he looked at me very surprised and said yes I have.

 

Well that's the story, nothing more, nothing less. Just really cool and random. ;-)

 

Enjoy the rest of the tour through Europe with the great musicians Alex Wong and of course miss Vienna Teng.

 

Cheers,

 

Thomas 'The Random Dutch Guy' Spiekerman

Alex, Thomas and Me

Dig it! What a teeny tiny world we live in!

Coming soon, we head back into the snow to Austria!!  I had so much fun in Austria, I can't wait to tell you about it! Till next post, Auf Wiedersehen!

Alex: "This place is too swanky.  I'm going to trash our room."

Hey, Vienna, what are you looking at?

Holy crap!  Where are we?

Bremen!!!! And this is the lobby of our hotel, the Park Hotel.  What a dump, right?  I mean look at this place:

How am I supposed to operate under these conditions??!!  I guess I'm just going to have to rise above it.  At least let me do something about the bed:

(are you enjoying the bed warm ups as much as I am?)

We played a lovely hall in Bremen, called The Glocke:

Beautiful hall, right?  And we're staying at a 5 star hotel, and they fed us and gave us cookies and cheese and candy and....

Ladies and Gents, the show was a big steaming bowl of clam chowder.  I'm sure it wasn't as bad as we thought, but let's just say we felt a little rough around the edges. So rather than sit around and cry about it, we caught up on Lost, thanks to iTunes and my poor slow-ass computer:

"Oh my god, I can't believe it!! Kate finally got totally naked!"

Friday, March 20, 2009

Halle:

Now this is more like it!  Still a lovely town, but not as ritzy-glitzy as Bremen.  A little more character, if you know what I mean.

We played here:

Objekt 5

More of a rock club, see?  And instead of a robe and slippies, our hotel had this:

Watch out where you pokus your jokus!

Saturday, March 21, 2009, Koln

Between Halle and Koln, we picked up Gert's lovely wife,  Ingeborg.  She was mucho fun, a perfect yin to Gert's yang.  See how happy they are?

We loaded in here:

Der Altes Pfandhaus, which means old pawn shop.  Lots of venues in Germany are named for the buildings they once were.  For instance, Fabrik in Hamburg used to be a factory, and Zakk in Dusseldorf was made from the entrails of the guy on Saved by the Bell, as I've already mentioned.

This is what the inside looked like:

Kind of like a mini version of the Colosseum in Rome.  Like a Minisseum.    Gert was concerned that the sound would be a "catastrophe", but of course he solved all our sonic problems, lickity split!

After soundcheck, we strolled around town for a bit:

Hey, look!  They have Chuck Norris jokes in Germany, too!

Hmmm, ferrari logo on my pumas and this mini truck.  Why don't either of these seem like a real ferrari?

Our show was bangin'!  Especially when they let the lion out and we had to fight for our lives!  It was cool, because it was just a mini lion, and once we put a bowl of milk down, he just lapped it right up, and forgot all about eating us.

The next morning, I took a stroll and saw some beautiful sights:

Here's the big ass cathedral:

Here's the inside.  Be quiet: they're saying mass!

Ooo!  Check this out:

What's going on in there?

Wow!!  He looks just like Rob Halford with hair!!

Isn't Koln nice?

In-store, whoa!  That doesn't sound like a day off to me.  How's about just kicking back at the hotel with a pizza and watching Aqua Teen in German?

 

Yo, Alex, Future me is saying  we're gonna have a blast in Dusseldorf.  What do you think, bro?              Dude, I still can't move my arm, plus I just got back from my own time traveling. I have no idea.  Do you have any twinkies?      

"So, Vienna, tell us what music means to you"

"Well, like, music is totally responsible for, like, all of history and such... I mean right here in Germany the Berlin Wall fell, you know, because there was a song, insofar as, like, made people come to feel as though, you know, world peace? So, like, I think my own unique musical genius, seeing as it is, like, here in Germany, could totally usher in like, world peace or some and such as..."

Mmmmm....well, looks like she's gonna take a while.

Bro, wait, she was totally getting deep, I mean like into the fundamentals of the universe and shit....

But aren't you ready to leave the mall and get out on the streets with the Volk?  Look how nice a city Dusseldorf is:

There's even a cool exhibit on Sonic Youth at the Art Gallery:

...that you won't go see.

Man, I'm like totally starving.

Okay, calm down!  Dusseldorf has just the place for you:

 The Brauerei Fuchschen!!

This is a great restaurant and brewery where they make their own:

wheat beer, and:

Altbier.

Just perfect for a beer geek such as yourself.  Check this out to learn more about Altbier and what a cool place you're in: one of the 4 places in Dusseldorf where they brew their own Altbier.  Wicked!  Much thanks and gratitude to Marc and Carston of A&O Media for taking us out:

Thanks, guys!

Vienna will also show you how she can melt Carston's face with her mind:

You'll also get to eat some sauerbraten and watch Alex be Gumby as his system continues to process the Space Muffin:

You can move his hand wherever you want and it'll stay there.

 Look, you can even balance a beer on him:

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Well, that sauerbraten was pretty damn good.  What else you got, future me?

Well, after dinner, y'all will wander the streets and stumble into Em Pöötzke, one of the best known jazz clubs in Germany, and check these guys out:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Damen und Herren: The New Orpheans!

They're one kickass dixieland jazz group.  They have a price list for requests:

which says: requests: 10 euros or one round for the band, "When the saints go marching in": 20 euros or 2 rounds for the band, "Ice Cream": 50 Euros or a round for everyone.

Dude, let's see if this works.  Here comes the round I bought:

Yeah, that was from me, Opheans.  Do y'all know any Phish?

Well, how about The Dead?  No?  Well at least mark our half of the bar down for one round:

Alright, we're tied at 2 to Two!

See, isn't this fun?  Alex and Vienna are gettin down!

During one of the breaks, the New Orpheans let Vienna take the stage also:

to sing a rousing version of "City Hall"

After that, this woman will want the New Orpheans to play "Midnight Train to Georgia"  They won't know it, but they'll have her ask Vienna:

"Entshuldigen Sie, Bitte, do you know "Midnight Train to Georgia?"

Vienna: Yes I do! (singing): I'm leeeeaavin....On that Midnight train to Georgia....I'd rather live in his world, than live without him in miiinneee!

"Oh you make me so happy!!!!"

"ON DAS MIDNIGHT TRAIN VON GEORGIA!!!"

"I will now lean in for big German-style French Kiss!"

"Ach, mein herz! I think I am fainting now from der Joy!!!!!"

Of all the people who have ever enjoyed the singing of Vienna Teng, no one has ever been made happier then this woman.

Damn, you're right!  I'm having a blast in Dusseldorf!  Let's go play a show!

Alrighty then, cowboy!  You'll play here:

at a club called Zakk (named for the beloved character from "Saved by the Bell")

The show will be dope, but between sets, the real action will be backstage.  Alex is no longer Gumby....he's now the Juggling Wonder!!

Check that out!  Truly a man of many talents.

Wow, future me.  You are truly wise and brilliant. I'm sorry I was a whiny little bitch about leaving Amsterdam.  I'm having fun now.  Can we reunite across space and time now and tell the good people at home about Hamburg?

Absolutely.....woooosh! (Sky turns bright white)

Whoa, that was weird.  And I have a little nosebleed now.  I'm sure it's nothing.

After Dusseldorf, we drove to Hamburg and played at a club called Fabrik:

Both Fabrik and Zakk seemed a lot more like rock and roll clubs than the other venues.  But Fabrik was also a learning center for kids during the day.

How about that?  The kids were all rollerblading and hanging from the ceiling with bungee cords when we were loading in.  No joke.

Here's me in the dressing room:

Look at all the graffiti!  Just like the clubs back home.  Here's Vienna and Alex listening to Gert's favorite song to check the sound system: "Everything Happens to Me"

They're really getting into it!  Fabrik fed us an amazing asian themed dinner:

And Gert swallowed a bug:

After dinner, I discovered a real live elephant made of chocolate:

I tried to lick him, but he impaled me with his chocolate tusk and trampled me.   But Vienna cast a +3 regeneration spell and I was healed just in time for the show.

After the gig, we arrived at the hotel monopol on the Reeperbahn.  Sexy time!

Hmmmm. This bed could use a little work:

Aaahhh, much better!  The hotel monopol reminded me of a slightly higher class Ascot Inn (Charlotte NC), a hotel where Jump did the infamous "heart shaped bathtub" photo shoot.  I think it's about time those pictures see the light of day, what do you say, boys?

Christina and Sarah, the super heros, brought our luggage back, so I had clean underwear, Alex had his newly repaired jacket:

and Ms. Teng had her badass cowboy boots:

Thanks again for looking out for our stuff, quite-something!

We had a couple of drinks at the Monopol bar and then went to get some curry wurst!

Hmmm, not bad.  Not as tasty as Berlins.  But I don't think the debate is settled yet, cause we didn't go to the most famous curry wurst place in Hamburg.

We went here:

Here's the back:

Heh heh, the neon people are peeing on each other!

Now I know we've been having a good time.  We've shared lots of light hearted laughs and fun sights and bed warm-ups.  But if you could bear with me while I impart some tragic news.  Before I do, check out the picture of me in the dressing room in Hamburg or the movie of me warming up the Monopol bed.  Notice anything different?  No?  Well on the way from Dusseldorf to Hamburg, this happened:

My glasses broke!

I've seen many things through these glasses since I bought them in 2001.  I wore these during the Underdog Jump tour, summer 2001.  A stripper in New Orleans "cleaned" them for me at Big Daddy's. I performed with them during Jump's final shows at the Dock St. Theatre in 2005.  I watched my nephew, Thomas, come into the world with them. I saw the first, second, third....100th metal monday in Charleston through their lenses.  I watched the NYC skyline on the horizon wearing these glasses as I drove the U-Haul up 278 to my first apartment in Williamsburg.  And now I have to wear these:

Thank God I thought to pack them!

Yes, it's the end of an era people.  Maybe it's time for me to get lasik.

Coming up: we continue through Germany, and get caught up on Lost!

"GIVE HIM THE STICK. DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK! OOOOOOO"

All serious business, right?  Well, back in the day....

Do you feel the power of the Gert?  Well, do ya, punk?

"Aaaay, sit on it, Holland!"

We had a lovely show at the Oosterport.  At the show, I met a guy  named Tomas, who had happened to see me play with the lovely Christina Cone in New York.  He won a trip to NYC in a raffle and just randomly found his way to the Knitting Factory the night we played there.  Small World, huh?

And the following morning, we took a bike ride with free bikes from the City Hotel.  Bitchin'!  Vienna got herself some stroopwafels at the market in the middle of town:

Stroopwafels are 2 wafflish cookies pressed together with caramel in the middle.  The Dutch answer to the Oreo.  Damn, they're good.  And they're like crack to Ms. Teng.  She can't get enough of them.  Of course, the word got out to her European fans and, just like Jellybeans to the Beatles, they throw them onstage every show!

The following gig was in Munster, which isn't where the cheese comes from.  (We asked. The cheese is spelled muenster, not Munster.  Oh well.)  The promoters wife fixed us some garlic/onion/bread pie-thing that has no name. So we tried to invent one.  Vienna decided that "bunch of snakes" might be a fitting name. So she asked Gert:

"How do you say, 'bunch of snakes' in German?"

Gert: "Ein Haufenschlangen "

Vienna:"Ine Hoofenshingle?"

Thus, Vienna won the contest to see who could get Gert to laugh first.

I didn't take a lot of pictures in Munster.  But I did get this one:

Looks like we got a bunch of patchouli covered Tengheads following us around!

We drove, the next morning, to Minden.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding?  The Gert drove, and we slept and/or played Bejeweled 2 on our iPhone. (Speaking of, I've got a game going now.  I'm on level 36, current score: 1,329,317.  What, you don't believe me?  Well peep this:

Yeah, I'll take all y'all on.  Who can beat me?)

We checked into the Holiday Inn and proceeded to begin chillin'. The we drove 400 meters to the club:

Jazz Club Minden is pretty sweet.  Gert thinks so:

After soundcheck, we went next door to a yummy restaurant that I just can't remember the name of, but they served a chili-esque soup called "Dracula's night out" and entrees that were like baked casserole things.  Really tasty.  They had a little pet bear that was so cute!

"I know it's possible.  In fact, this is the 3 hours in the future version of me; that's why I'm all out of focus and fuzzy"

"Yeah, I thought you looked a little weird.  This is incredible!  What do you think about the scientific ramifications of this?

"Dude, whoa...I mean can we just chill?  Future me has a serious case of the munchies, and this creme brulee has 'Alex Wong'

"Bitchin!"

They were actually really good.  The drummer was bonkers.  He picked up a towel to dampen the snare at one point and just started drumming with the towel.  He'd kick the cymbal and throw his sticks at it.  Wicked.  Has anyone out there heard of these guys?  Are they jazz legends?  When it comes to jazz,I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

"Man, this tea is getting me so baked"

"Uh, Ward, that's chamomile.  That ain't gonna do shit.  Here, let's split one of these:"

 Just had to write about Space Muffins while i'm still feeling the Space Muffins.

Damn, I mean yum yum.  So good.  feelin all fuzzy. can't believe i made it 

back to the movinpick.  I'm swimming and I think everything's funny.  

     Long seconds.  I'm hungry.  You can get your teeth fixed at Jerry's famous deli.  

I thinkk I'm brilliant,  I wish i could write more but I cain't.  I'm feelin

lazy and soggy.

Oh really, Level 38?  That's right, bitches.  Who can defeat me!?  Bring it!!!!!!

Good Friends:

Foxy Ladies:

....And much rejoicing.  Ward went to bed with a full belly, a spinning head, and plenty of joy and fun times to remember NYC by for the next 3 months.

The following morning (switch to 1st person now) I woke up early, around 6:45 am, packed up, and moved some stuff into storage so my lovely subletters would have room to put their belongings.  

I headed into the city to pick up my cello case from David Gage: ...which weighs in at 250lbs, and stands at 12' tall.  But you think I'm gonna let that stop me?  Please.  I'm ripped.  Totally cut and ripped.  Work out everyday, yesirree, bob.  So if you think I had any trouble at all lugging this monster thru the subway, you're sadly mistaken.

I stopped by Resto to pickup some sweet moolah, have a goodbye burger and beer, and wish my friends and co-workers well.  After a tearful farewell, I headed home to get the rest of my luggage and headed to the airport.  

Needless to say, absolutely no problems carrying my cello, guitar, camera, a snare drum, a majorly stuffed backpack and suitcase.  Nope.  Piece of cake.

After downing a double Knob Creek at the JFK Chili's bar, I boarded my plane to Berlin Tegel Airport around 7:45pm.  Feelin' good.  Delta fed me a nice little supper.  I decided to skip out on "The Secret Life of Bees" though, and get a little catnap.  After a couple of hours of airplane sleep, Papa Delta gave us a little breakfast, and we landed at 10am CET, which is 4am EST.  Time without sleep: 21hrs 15mins (excluding my little nap)

At Berlin, I was greeted by my good buddy, Adam:

....He's my good buddy!   He whisked me away to a lovely breakfast in his neighborhood (Prenzlauerberg) at a Russian-themed restaurant called Bar Gagarin (named for the famous Russian Cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin.  Adam didn't think I knew that, but I did, Adam, so screw you!).

Here's me at Bar Gagarin:    looking pensive, thoughtful, and none the worse for the wear, considering my lack of sleep and longish flight.  I was really craving my usual breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast.  I ordered that, but decided that I should also have some local flavors (via Russia) so I got a bowl of borscht:

Yummy, yummy!

Now I've never had borscht before.  (Or perhaps I have, but, for the sake of this blog, just for shits and giggles, let's all pretend I haven't.)

Here's me taking my very first bite of Borscht, ever!

So tasty and delicious!  (It was still good, reheated, 4 days later.)  

After breakfast, we strolled around, went to see the Berlin Wall:

  or what's left of it.

Here are some dismantled pieces of the wall:

 and a cool painting near the wall:

Here is me dry-humping the Wall:

  Adam made me do that.  It really hurt.

Returning to Adam's apartment, I played a little cello, just to get warmed up for the tour:Hmmm.  Looks like I was a little cranky.  I mean, it was around 4pm CET/10amEST, 27 hours no sleep. More caffeine maybe? Luckily, Adam knew of the perfect place:

Ahhhh.  Bonanza Coffee Heroes.  I weep at the sight of thee, knowing that it may be a long time before we are reunited.  This coffee bar is the jam, in the same vein as 9th St. Espresso Bar in chelsea market, or Joe's Coffee in the West Village.

Check out their machine, which cost as much a VW Beetle stretch limo:  

And dig the badass latte art:

  Pretty sweet, eh?  Thanks to Adam for taking the action shots.

We stopped by an old brewery that has been transformed into a cultural center:

 If you look closely at the schedule halfway up, you can see that the great Beatallica are playing there soon.  Sadly, I'll be long gone from berlin when they arrive.

.....sigh.  Weltschmerz.  How to make myself feel better......

 Hey.....I see some cool statues in the courtyard!  Let's play: I'm crushing your johnson!        ...sweet. 

Okay, so by this time, it's around 5pmCET/11amEST: 28 hours no sleep.  I'm getting a little tired.  But for all you world travelers out there, I have a 100% foolproof cure for jetlag: plenty of caffeine and alcohol!  Once you arrive overseas.  Just eat, drink, and be merry, and, whatever you do, don't stop moving!!!  Keep on powering through, and you'll be fine.

 I made some margaritas for Adam and his girlfriend, Dea:  Ain't she purdy?    We had a little snack and we were headed out the door to a dinner party.  My 4th wind, however, faded  shortly after the margaritas.  Hitting the wall....What to do, what to do....this party was all the way in Kreuzburg, about a 40 minute train ride.  Jeez!  So tired.  How am I going to keep my buzz on?   What's that you say, good buddy Adam?  Germany has no open container laws??!!  You mean I can drink in public??!!!??  Oh joy oh rapture!  Look at how much fun the world could be with no open container law: 

(soundtrack for montage: medley of "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong & "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor)

We finally arrived at the party.  This is Daniel, the host of the soiree:

  What a nice bunch of folks!  I was pretty much totally loopy and ridiculous, but everyone welcomed me with open arms. Especially this guy, Jerry Gagelman:

   Don't you think he kind of looks like James Franco?  He's a super smart mathematician, and very nice guy.  More about Jerry later.  

Turns out: Daniel's party was a pizza party, as in homemade pizza.  So, of course my drunk ass joined the fun!  Here's how to make a delicious pizza with the Drunken Wardie Technique-watch and learn:

1. Flatten out the dough into a roundish shape:

2. Experience the aura of the dough, then make the dough your bitch: 

3. Drop dough on the floor. (Photo missing)

4. With intense concentration, make the dough levitate 5' above the floor for 124 seconds:

5. Smack Adam in the face with dough:  (Photo missing)

6. Melt your face off into another dimension with pizza awesomeness:                                                                                 :

So around 1:15amCET/7:15pmEST:36 1/2 hours without sleep, I was wearing Daniel's lampshades and Adam decided it was time to tuck me in.  (Bye Bye Daniel&Jerry&pizza&everybody. I just luv y'all so, hiccup, much..BELCH!)  But the fresh evening air invigorated me yet again, and by the time we got back to his apartment building, I stupidly suggested that Adam, Dea and I have a nightcap, so we go to the bar/restaurant in his building and order a couple of sidecars.  (Y'all know what a sidecar is, right?  Very simple: 2 parts brandy, 1 part cointreau, 1 part lemon juice-shake over ice and strain into a sugar rimmed glass. Easy. A Classic)

Well, the folks at this bar were quite nice.  And it was Bianca's birthday.   What a cutie, right?  So I don't want to be a dick.  But maybe sidecar means something different in German.  Maybe it means the bastard love child of a pina colada and jager bomb, with a twist of laffy taffy.  On the rocks (not so good, Al).  With a float of Satan's piss.  I had 4 sips and was almost defeated.  We left the bar with heavy hearts. But, after trudging upstairs to Adam's apartment, there was to be a bit of cyber mischief before oblivion. 

I got online at Adam's and found, to my utter delight, that Mr. Jerry Gagelman had already added me as a friend on facebook.  Wow, that's quick.  I was honored and humbled.  Needless to say, I accepted his friendship immediately, and welcomed him to my circle of facebook friends with a few friendly postings to his wall (read from  bottom to top):

Notice the time: 9:59am EST/2:59am CET: 51 hours no sleep!  And that, my friends, is how you open up a can of whupass all over the jetlag. I then passed out cold, dreaming of  liederhosen, bratwursts, and decent sidecars.

The next morning, I woke up in horror to this:

 Adam's wake up song.  Adapting the same chord progression from his old answering machine greeting, circa 1995("Hello, Hello, This is Morrisey"), Adam sang me a wretched, reverse lullaby.  But, to compensate, Adam was a great tour guide.  We saw many amazing things.  

Such as the Brandenburg Gate:

The Holocaust Memorial:

Clarchen's Ballhaus:

The hotel where Wacko Jacko almost dropped his kid out the window:

A singing kitty:

...and a dog's butthole:

We also saw a great concert: Ian Bostridge singing Handel with the Northern Sinfonia at the Konzerthaus:

 Dea's friend Simon plays with them.  

One of the coolest things I saw was a rehearsal for Dialoge 09, a modern dance piece by Sasha Waltz, at the Neues Museum.  This huge museum had been closed since it was bombed in WWII and was just reopened to the public briefly right before I arrived.  The museum is empty of artwork right now, so, before the collection arrives, Sasha Waltz and Guests are performing throughout the whole museum.  The audience will arrive and walk through the rooms, and there will be different performances going on in each space.  Amazing.  It was kind of a big deal, so I didn't get to take photos, but you should check this out.  (notice that slide#11 was taken by my good buddy, Adam Berry.)  Much thanks to Dea, who plays with Kaleidoscope, the music ensemble that will be performing with Ms. Waltz, for getting us in to see the rehearsal.  

So, finally, it was time for the whole reason I was in Berlin in the first place: to rock out with Vienna Teng and Alex Wong at the Quasimodo Club!!

Vienna has quite the following in Germany.  The crowd was most gracious.  I hadn't played with her since our last show at Cafe Vivaldi on Feb. 25.  I felt a little rusty, but I think the power of my rock shined through.  Thus begins an auspicious tour of Europe.....and then the US of A!

Wow, you're still reading.  Well, thank you.  Much thanks also to Adam Berry, a great host and great photographer who took many of the photos in this blog post.I hope you enjoy this glimpse into my life on tour.  Comments are welcomed and appreciated.  I'm still learning how to use my camera...

 so bear with me.

Coming next week: I'll discuss our flight to Holland, shows in Gronigen, Munster, Minden, and Amsterdam!

ROCK ON, AS IF THOU WERT A HURRICANE, BRETHREN AND SISTHREN!